So where to begin?
My wife has asked me for several weeks to write my thoughts
on our recent experiences and lovingly, I agreed, yet when she asked me to
start writing, I’d say “Not Now,” partially because I’m still asking myself
that question^, but mostly because I am a procrastinator by nature.
So here goes.
“How many kids do you want?” my then fiancé asked.
Emphatically I replied, “4! 2 boys, 2 girls. That way
everyone has a brother and a sister and NO ONE can complain that they don’t get
their own room, but their sibling does.”
Laughter ensued.
Fast-forward 5 years or so, we have 3 wonderful children.
They are a so much fun, very busy, but one of the biggest blessings in my life.
Then my wife starts asking, “So, what about that No.4?”
“NOT NOW!” probably more emphatic than my desire for 4 years
earlier. “I mean, I still want 4 kids, but I don’t know if now is the right
time for No.4. If it happens, fantastic, but let’s not intentionally be trying,
ok?”
“OK.”
We’re on the same page with this one, (which is a critical
key to a successful marriage: BE ON THE SAME PAGE.)
My phone rang, one Friday morning. I’m in my car in between
clients, and I hear these words, “I’m pregnant!” I praise God I didn’t drive
off the road at that moment and needless to say my mind was elsewhere throughout
that day at work.
“How are we going to do this? Can we afford this? God, I
thought we were on the same page, but obviously we weren’t privy to the fact
you were turning the page. How in the world are we going to do this?”
As the days roll on, excitement does start to grow. As we
find out in June we will be holding our 4th child. We start seeking
out baby names and all the joy that comes with an addition to the family. Yet
my wife says, almost from the beginning, “I don’t think we’re going to meet
this child.”
Being the caring husband, I calm her fears as unfounded. We’ve
had 3 babies without even the threat of losing one. So, for me, this fear is
unfounded. Thoughts of a miscarriage are the farthest thing from reality for
me.
Date nights are a wonderful thing. I cherish the time I get
one on one with my beloved bride. We were able to get some time away, grab some
coffee and wander around Barnes & Noble. (Later, she showed me the exact
spot where we were, when she knew our baby was about to lose its life.) We get
home and asleep we go.
“CHRIS, WE NEED TO GO!” That is always the way I want to
wake up at 1am!
The story from there, many of you already know, as my wife
has so eloquently described in an earlier post, so I’ll spare the you another
account of that narrative. (If you haven’t read it yet, STOP reading this now,
grab a box of Kleenex, read that entry, and then come back.)
Riley is the child I never got to hold. I never got to cut
the cord, hear the first cry. Riley is the child that I will never see first
steps, hear first words, send to school, and all the other cherished
experiences of childhood. Yet Riley, in 7 ½ short weeks of growth has given me
more than I could imagine. Below are just some of what Riley has given to me.
A BIGGER HEART
I love my wife, I love my kids, and most of all I love the
LORD with all I got. Just about anyone I’ve talked to in the last couple years
knows how much I miss being in full-time ministry, because I felt like my work
life was making an eternal difference. It’s still hard for me to see the
eternal difference of selling a hammer, but God is still using this time to
shape me. As I began to dream of what having a 4th child to raise
would be like, I knew I loved that precious one from the start. Every parent
will tell you that with the advent of a new child, your heart grows with love
for that little one. Love for our kids is not a finite thing. When a new life
is given, suddenly, out of nowhere, love grows. You’re not taking love from
those you have, but adding a whole new capacity to love a new life equally.
Riley taught me that there is still room in my heart to love beyond what I
thought.
A DEEPER LOVE
Many people are guilty of routine. We get up, go to work,
come home, play, get the kids to bed, sit in the recliner trying to unplug, and
go to bed, only to wake up the next day and do it all over again. It is easy to
get caught up into the routine and pattern of life. The trouble is, at least
for me, you can lose sight of the relationships that our central to that
routine. I love my wife. She is incredible and through this whole season, I
have been blown away by her heart and resiliency in the midst of this loss. But
before that fated early morning heartbreak, the routine had set into our lives
and marriage a little too deep. I had lost sight of some of the amazing
qualities that this woman sleeping next to me exudes. Riley brought me to a
deeper appreciation for Ashley, my wife. Part of what I believe God’s desire
for Riley was to bring Ashley and I to a deeper level of intimacy in our
marriage. Riley forced us to confront the sadness in this loss head-on,
together. Through this process, our marriage has experienced a deeper love and
I am so grateful to God for her and for the opportunity He has given us to grow
even more intertwined in the love and respect He desire us to experience.
A WIDER COMMUNITY
Overall, the loss of a little one during pregnancy is a VERY
COMMON experience. I believe on of the physicians said that 1 out of 4
pregnancies are lost, which might be on the high end of the statistics. But
regardless of the actual percentage, it is an experience that is more common
than I realized. In fact, I’d almost say that it is almost more rare to find a
family that hasn’t been touched by a loss during pregnancy. Recognizing how
common it is does not minimize the reality of the loss and the emotional,
physical, and spiritual challenges that arise, but I am not the only dad that
has had to walk this road. I am not the only one who has felt this way. I am
not the only one who was unable to kiss his child. It has been amazing to me
the community support that we have received. From the amazing efforts of our
small group (I can’t say THANK YOU enough) to customers and vendors that I work
with on a daily basis who have expressed their condolences and shared their
experiences. I am so grateful to God for all of you who have reached out to us
during this season.
A BRIGHTER OUTLOOK
Some have the tendency to sulk in sorrow in a season such as
this. Though there has been a grieving process, which included the opportunity
to lay Riley to rest, Riley has given me a hope for life. It is almost as if
Riley is echoing the LORD’s words to his people in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know
the plans I have for you, declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you and not to
harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” The LORD does know what is in store for us and
He is working for our good. Never has He said that the road before us is easy
and pain free, but it is GOOD! I do not know what tomorrow holds, what He has
written on the next page of our journey, but I know that He is who He said He
is, and that He is not going to leave me or forsake me. This tragedy is not a
punishment, but an opportunity to grow in my daily dependence on Him for
everything in this life. So I have hope: Hope for my personal walk, Hope for my
family, Hope for my wife—I have HOPE. The sunrise is a beautiful expression of
the majesty of God at the start of everyday. I now have a sunrise before me.
This next season is an opportunity to express the majesty of our God in every
aspect of my life.
So there you go. I don’t claim to have it all figured out.
There are still tears when I look at the spot where our dear Riley’s earthly
body waits for His coming King.
As I look back at this last month, I recognize the depths of
emotion we have experienced. But I am so excited for what’s next.
4 lives to raise may be in our future still, but I am so
grateful that our 4th child has taught me so much without ever
saying a word. Your daddy loves you, Riley. Until we are both in the arms of
our Daddy, xoxoxo.
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