Roller Coaster

First off, I want to thank everyone who has been reading this. Since my post last week, I've gotten so many messages and comments from people (some I don't even know) about how my story touched them. Some who could relate and had stories similar to mine, others who had no idea about the process and real facts of what miscarriage is like. I hope that I can continue to encourage other women to speak up about this. Its easy to feel alone in it all but I've found that when I speak up about my experience, more woman are comfortable with sharing their story. I've cried with lots of women this week who know what I'm going through. Its been incredible. I talked with a women this morning at church who told me that she lost FIVE babies. FIVE. I cannot even fathom. I cried with her and we remembered the truth that we will meet our children one day. I was amazed at her strength. She said that even now being that she's 50 years old, she still has hard days, thinking of what it would be like if all of her children were here. I was truly touched by her story.

I write this tonight, sitting in bed. The last place I really wanna be. I'm a little drugged up from my medicine that taking the edge off of the horrible cramps that just started today. I had false hope that I was feeling better, but today the pain has taken over. While emotionally I'm slowly healing, my body is healing as well.

After having what I assumed was a natural miscarriage, I soon learned that my body had not finished the job. On friday, I went back to see my midwife, feeling worse than I did while I was pregnant. The exhaustion was ridiculous, I couldn't see straight and the bleeding had yet to stop. I knew something wasn't right. So, upon further "inspection" we learned that I had yet to pass all of the placenta. My hemoglobin was down to 9, and I need a D&C. Lovely...
So, off to "same day surgery" I went. After 4 more needle pokes and more tears of frustration, I was put under a general anesthetic. 45 minutes later I woke up in recovery. Still exhausted, ready to go home and sleep in my bed. I woke up Saturday feeling pretty good, so I decided to attend a wedding shower at our church. Bad idea. Went back home and went to bed. I thought for sure I would pass out at the poor girl's wedding shower, thus putting unncessary attention on me.

Sunday morning (today) felt pretty good, popped 4 ibuprohen and chugged a couple cups of coffee and got to church. I thought I was dong better emotionally. I hadn't cried in a couple days and I thought I could keep it together. Naturally, the word had gotten out through our church's prayer chain, so I knew that lots of hugs and "I'm praying for you" would be coming my way. I thought I could handle it. Within 10 minutes of being there, I had a friend come give me a hug and extend her apologies and sympathy. Aaaannnnddd cue tears.... I was able to keep it together a little longer with more "I'm sorry's" and sympathetic hugs, but my body couldn't take much more. The dizziness returned, the cramping started, I needed to go home. So, I slept the rest of the day. The cramping is horrendous. I thought this would be over by now. I'm trying to rest knowing that monday is just a few hours away. The hardest part about resting for me is that I have to still listen to the organized chaos in my home. I so badly want to help with the kids, clean up around the house, play hide and seek, but it seems within minutes of trying, my body is angry and I need to get back into bed. My husband has been BEYOND INCREDIBLE. He is getting SO many 'brownie points' it isn't even funny. He has taken on the role of "stay at home dad" for the past few days and has done an amazing job! I'm so blessed to have a man that will step up and take charge. Dishes, laundry, meals, diapers, baths, he's doing it all. If I had a gold star, he'd get 10 of them.

As I look forward to this week, I'm excited about it. My mom and sister will be here Thursday, we will celebrate Brynna's 1st birthday on Saturday. I'm looking forward to having friends and family over to celebrate something happy this week, as most of my visitors last week were coming with sympathies. The inside of my house has been newly painted and decorated thanks to my awesome inlaws :) So I'm looking forward to showing it off! I'm praying my body will allow me to accomplish all I want to this week. Mostly just to get the kids up and out the door each morning, make meals, play on the floor with my kids and enjoy my family.

It been a roller coaster week, but I know that I am slowly healing. God has been SO good and present through this whole process and I know He will continue to be over the next few weeks and months.