Sometimes...."MOM" is a difficult title to take on. Sometimes, one more diaper, one more bottle to wash, one more toy to pick up, one more cry at 4am, is enough to make me want to take "mom" out of my title. I never wanted anything more than to be a mother, to have children of my own. It is an amazing ride from the day I got pregnant, to the day I gave birth, to every morning when I see my son's face light up when I walk in the room. But then there are those days. They have been more recent lately. With a new baby around the corner, I feel like I'm starting to break.
Can I do this??? I feel like I need so much help from my husband as it is. I don't know how single moms do it. I'm terrified. Isaiah has been a great baby, what if the next one isn't so great? What if it cries more, never sleeps and I don't have the energy or patience to deal with it. I can barely keep my sanity now. I cry almost everyday. I envy the mothers with 3 kids, who act like being a mom is the easiest thing in the world. Their kids are well behaved, start walking at two weeks old, and are potty trained by their first birthday, breastfeed until their two and all while keeping their husbands happy, houses clean, homeschooling their kids who are in college by 6th grade, and they get a shower everyday. SERIOUSLY?! What I am doing wrong here? Is there some secret pill that I should be taking? Did I miss out on some secret super moms meeting? Why is this so hard for me and only have one child who is nine months old!?
Motherhood has been such a blessing. I wouldn't change it for the world. My life has been so filled by having a baby and a family. The week after Isaiah was born, I felt like I could do anything. Waking up every two hours at night was no problem for me. Isaiah slept through the night at two months old, he ate like champ (with the exception of trying to breastfeed). He was the perfect child. And then he started to move. Roll, scoot, crawl, stand and soon walk. Thats when things got difficult. Chris and I would sit and talk about how cute he will be when he's crawling around the living, playing with his toys and yada yada....I wish someone would have smacked me. 75% of my day involves, saying "no" a half a million times, taking the dog bone out his mouth a few dozen times, and chasing him around hoping he doesn't kill himself while trying climb the furniture and ride the dogs. By noon, I'm ready to be done.
Thankfully, I'm pretty sure I have one of the most helpful husbands in the world. If things get really bad, he is able to come home for a bit to give me a break. He can do a weeks worth of laundry (that I didn't do) in a day, he can do dishes, clean the house, write a sermon, fly to moon and back, write a book, teach the dog to recite the alphabet and keep Isaiah happy, all while I take a two hour nap. No joke. True story. What am I missing here??? He can accomplish more in two hours than I can in a week....and he's a man. (No offense) But c'mon. I partially have to blame my lack of a clean house on Facebook. Ugh. I can't stop. I would be done with it if it weren't for the fact that its one of my only ways over communicating with outside world.
I'm tired, I'm lonely, and I'm about to add to chaos in about 6 months. I'm so scared I could pee myself (achoo! oh wait, I just did) While trying to keep up with a squeeling, whining, babbling, almost toddler, I'm growing another screaming, pooping, puking baby. And I can't wait :) I'm excited to see what this next child will being to my life. As nervous as I am, I'm excited and a little anxious to add to the family. I was talking to a friend of mine whose mom had him and his brother 16 months apart like our kids will be. He said his mom cried alot. I like her. I cry alot. I feel bad when I do, because somehow, I feel like I'm failing. Moms don't cry, their kids do. Moms are the person their kids go to when they cry. Who I am suppose to go to when I cry? When I fall down and get a boo boo....I'm learning that Jesus is wonderful shoulder to cry on. (And his shirt never get messed up if I wipe my tears and boogers on him.) I'm trying to learn that God is the ultimate parent. That His pain exceeds mine on a daily basis. His Son died so that I could spend eternity with Him. Somehow, I think God understands when I have rough day. When things don't go right and when I've reached my boiling point. He knows, He cares, and he's got a box of kleenex waiting for me if I need it :)
So, this entry turned out to be really theraputic. I hope that if your reading this, you have some sort of understanding where I'm coming from. NEVER would I leave my family because of day to day frustrations. I'm not complaing about my life or my children. I am merely getting it all out on the table because there is no one here to talk to. I want to make it clear that I would not change my life for anything and I am truely thankful and appreciative that God has blessed my abundantly. Being a mom is hard but its an amazing gift.
2 comments:
Hey Ashley, You are completely normal! I take a shower MAYBE 2 times a week, I can't be with the kids by myself longer than 3 hours without going bonkers and calling Nate to come home, and we hired a cleaning lady so I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning. Cooking, at least, is a refuge and nice quiet time for me since Nate is always around then, but it's a complete myth that there are moms out there who have it all together. Most of the moms I know face frustrations almost every single day. I encourage you to keep Isaiah as your priority, which means that housecleaning, cooking, showering are all secondary to engaging with him. It sounds like that's what you're doing - engaging with him all day - which makes you frustrated you're not getting other stuff done. No worries! Do you have people to hang out with, too, and go on playdates with? Or are you at home every day? I hope you can find some connection outside of the house to give your mind a break from constant caretaking - that can be really draining. And, by the way, when we added #2 - it was a NIGHTMARE. I'm not even sure what I would've done differently, but I had such a hard time juggling the two little ones. Adding #3 was an absolute breeze, though, we already had our multi-kid routine down and she just entered into it. So...hang in there! You're doing great, and I'm glad you're able to express your frustrations - it's good for the soul. Lots of love to you guys! - Faith :)
Awww! This is so true, Ashley. Faith is right on about that myth thing. For some strange reason, we like to focus on our successes and slide the failures into a dark closet somewhere, so it always appears we have it together. :'S
Remember that you are in that hormonal season while you're pregnant with your second, so this is actually more than normal to feel this way. My kids were farther apart in age...just enough that the 2 year old could do interesting things while I was trying to get some kind of sleep during the day. We had a tough season.
I always want to remember that Isaiah reminds us that "He gently leads those who have young." It's so true that we need that, and He knows it. Pray for Him to be near...and personal...and speak to your needs right now.
I'll pray for you, too. I remember these days. Don't let the Enemy rob you of the preciousness of the season. It will be gone all too quickly (even if you're like me and would prefer the diapers to be gone).
Love you, sweetie!
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