Muzzled

I remember once in my high school senior creative writing class, the teacher had asked a question and I raised my hand to answer. I don't remember what the question was, but I most likely gave an answer that I thought was particularly funny. The class laughed (I think) and in the back row I hear "God Ashley, shut up!"

Okay, rewind....high school was not "the best years of your life" like everyone had always told. I basically hated high school. I didn't quite fit in anywhere. I was in band, theatre, but knew a lot of the "cool kids" from childhood and could potentially hold conversations with them. I had a "new look" every year and was always trying to re-invent myself. I didn't really have a group that I hung out with all the time, so I feel like I lacked an identity. Now looking back, I realize how stupid I was to try and find my identity through a bunch of zit faced, hormonal people. Regardless, I still tried to fit in with everyone. I joked around a lot, and didn't take a lot of things seriously. I annoyed a lot of people and probably teachers. I was insanely insecure and tried to make jokes to lighten up.

So, this "voice" that I heard in the back row belonged to none other **** ******** herself! Okay, this girl and I despised each other for no reason at all. Her and I were once on the cheerleading squad together and she hated me ever since. I never did anything to this girl, but for whatever reason she loved to make me feel like dirt. This was common for her, and I found out later that I was not the only person she treated like the gum under the desk. She was popular, dated a certain football player, and basically thought her poop didn't stink. She did anything she could to put anyone and everyone below her. I used to say that if I got permission to kill anyone in the world and not get in trouble for it, she would be first on my list. This girl was just plain mean. (side note: If "this person" is reading this and has figured out that it is her that I'm talking about, I just have to say I hope you've gotten the stick out of your butt and treat people better now)

Moving on....after hearing her yell at me to shut up in front of the entire class, I probably could have put my fist threw face, but I held back. Mostly because she was built like a man and would have knocked me out and because I didn't dare say a thing to her. If I would have stood up for myself and said something, the words would have sounded like a I was three year old. "That was not nice, I'm telling..." yeah, that would have been me. I lacked the ability to come up with awesome things to say right on the spot like most people. So I kept my mouth shut, took the stares and threw up in my mouth from the humility.

So, its been 5 years since I high school and sad to say, I feel like this still too often. I feel like the world is constantly yelling at me to shut up. Now, I'm a LITTLE more mature but I still have the tendency to say stupid things on a regular basis. Just ask my husband.

Here is some truth about me: I say inappropriate things, I think mean things about people sometimes and have a hard time not saying anything, I often will say things without thinking, and I occasionally hurt someone's feelings because of it, never on purpose. Basically, I verbally vomit on people and then regret what I say later. I lay in bed sometimes, thinking, "did I really say that?!?!?!" For example: My freshman year, my band directors wife was pregnant. I saw here about a week before she was about to give birth. Upon seeing her I said "Holy cow you're huge! You should put a wide load sign on yourself!" YES I SAID THAT!!!! After being pregnant with my first child, I realized if someone would have said that to me, they would have been thrown through the nearest brick wall. I don't know how that women didn't smack me. But, I didn't know any better. I was nieve and thought being huge while pregnant was a good thing!

These days, I've gotten a little better. I still have a tendency to share my life story the first time I meet someone and then wonder why they avoid me after that. I vocalize my struggles, which to some people sounds like I'm complaining. I make stupid jokes and inappropriate comments. I am brutally honest and very opinionated. I make fun of people on tv which tends be annoying to the people I'm with. I'm not afraid of who I am anymore and appreciate people who love me despite my "flaws/annoyances" I hate when people still tell me to shut up, even if its not vocally. Sometimes, a look says it all...I really don't like that. Or people who don't confront me about their frustrations with what I say, and rather talk behind my back about. Both, have happened recently.

I am who I am. Do I say things that annoy people? Sure, but I won't apologize for being myself.